The Journey

It has taken me some time to catch on to this "blog" thing. I have never been much for getting online much and I have never been disciplined enough to keep a diary or journal. I remember buying a pretty little leather bound book and vowing to begin to journal regularly so that I could share my past with my kids some day. That lasted about three days each entry shorter than the last and eventually resulted in my house being peppered with pretty little books all with some small blurb about my life. I have always thought that keeping a journal would be a nice way to look back on life, but apparently I do not feel too strongly about it since I can't seem to bring it to fruition! So, anyhow, I am trying to introduce something that if I did journal, I would journal about. My husband and I have been married for five beautiful years. I married young, only 20, but if you knew me you would know that I am not a patient person. I have always been one who is always chomping at the bit waiting for the next big thing to happen in my life. So, when my husband didn't want to have kids right away I was just heartbroken. Of course my emotions were in no facet connected to my common sense. My husband grounds me and helps me to think less with my emotions and a little more with my head. So, in seeing his perspective, I agreed that we should wait until the "right time". Fast forward to last year-finally Seth agreed that we could start trying! I was elated! I pitched the birth control pills and announced to everyone that we were going to start trying to have a baby. I was and still am surrounded by babies and pregnant people. My sister in law has FIVE girls and my other sister in law two girls and two boys. I know that we have never celebrated a holiday together without someone being pregnant in my family. So, they passed down all their maternity clothes to me and the bassinet and all the other things that they thought I could use. All the while my girl friends from church are all getting pregnant and some even for the second and third time. At one point I had NINE friends who were pregnant between church and work. It was nuts. So, yeah we have been trying now for what seems like seven years to a very impatient girl. A couple of months ago I went to my gynecologist and she decided that she wanted to start doing tests on me to see what was going on. She said that since I have endometriosis {a condition where your uterine lining grows outside the uterus in a web like pattern connecting to organs and causing scar tissue and sometimes infertility} getting pregnant could be a challenge. So she scheduled my for a hysterosalpingogram. That is a test where they inject dye into your fallopian tubes to make sure they are not occluded in any way. Let me tell you, that was the absolute most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. I will spare you the details, but it was bad. So fast forward again to today, still not pregnant. She wants to do an endometrial biopsy now which mean pointy knives down there which I am not crazy about. Between the tests and doing the ovulation kits, it really takes the fun out of trying. It makes it awful. So, how do I feel about everything? It hurts and I am sad. I am at the point where I don't want to do a hundred different tests. I just want to rest and let the Lord have this. I am so impatient and sometimes I feel somehow that the Lord is obligated to give me the desires of my heart. And, that is a big mistake. The Lord doesn't owe me a thing. In fact, I have already been blessed far beyond what I deserve or could ever earn by my own merit. After all, He saved me and has given me ETERNAL life. If He was to never give me another blessing, I would still never be worthy of the gift He has already given me. So, here is what I have to say. Lord, it's yours! I give you my fears and the sadness. I give you my desire to start a family. I don't compare myself to others and justify why I feel that somehow I may be deserving. Instead I give myself wholly to you. After all, it says in Jeremiah 29:11 that you have a plan for me and that it's a plan for good and not for harm, for a hope and future. I believe that and entrust this to you.