On Friday December 28th, my official day to turn seven months pregnant, I woke up in the morning and wasn't feeling the normal amount of fetal activity that I was use to. We went to the Doctor and they sent us to the hospital where they confirmed that our baby had died. I was in the dark ultrasound room and the Radiologist came in to tell me. I has never whaled so loud in my life. They wouldn't let Seth come in with me for the ultrasound so he found out from hearing my crying down the hall. I have never felt such hurt.
Because the baby was actually at the age of viability, they said I had to be induced to deliver. So, I was taken up to labor and delivery with all of the other expectant mothers to deliver my baby. At five am on Saturday the 29th, Mia Jacqueline Linderman was born. She looked perfect. She had ten fingers and ten toes. She had a little bit of hair. They let us hold her and look at her before they took her away.
I have never felt so lost in my whole life. It's like I am just existing. I was laying in bed with my husband last night, crying and asking him when this would stop hurting and he said that it will probably hurt for the rest of our lives. I guess there is nothing that can be compared to the loss of a child. I just don't feel like I know how to start over.
With that being said, I am thankful that our little angel is in heaven in the arms of the Lord. Seth said that he can't imagine how amazing it would be to have the first person you see be the Lord. She is so blessed. I know that the Lord will see us through this time. And while right now, I feel like I can't see past the hurt or even begin to think about tomorrow, there will come a time when we do and when we might even laugh again.
For those of you who have already become aware of this, thank you for your continued prayers. At this time, I really don't feel much like going out or talking to anyone, but you can call the house and Seth will be happy to talk to you. Our God is good and he is here with Seth and I through this. It's the worst thing we have ever gone through, but we will make it.
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17 comments:
My sincerely deepest condolences to you and Seth. Brandon and I have been thinking and praying for you since we found out yesterday. I can't even imagine what you are going through but am amazed that your trust in the Lord has not waivered. I kept thinking of the old line "tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". I think that pretty much sums up how I would think of it, and the Lord being the first person to meet would be quite awesome! If you need anything don't hesitate to call me, I live right on top of the hill.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO, Jill
Precious Mia is not only blessed to be with the Lord, but blessed to have the love of you, Seth and so many others. Our prayers, love and support are with you. Love you!!!!
We love you both very much.
Emily and Shawn
No one really understand why or how this happened. Just trust in the Lord and remember when you can't walk by yourself or carry yourself, HE will carry you so that your burden will be lighter. My thoughts and prayers are with you Amanda, now and always, Marcia
Amy, Kayleigh and I are praying for you. Something God has been pressing on my heart for a long time is "this too shall pass". It does get easier. Lean on HIM. We love you both!
We love you and Seth and are praying for you. What Seth said is so beautiful and very true about the first face Mia saw being Jesus. Your blog entries have helped us all to fall in love with little Mia before we even laid eyes on her. And I think that reflects Jesus....we can't see him yet, but we love Him. He is being absolutely glorified in your lives, in your faith, and He won't leave you for one moment. Love you.
God Bless you guys and keep you wrapped in His arms during this time. Joe and I are thinking and praying for you guys like crazy....... Love, Shell
Our deepest and most sincere thoughts and prayers are with you. Know that you are loved greatly by friends, family, and most importantly by the healing power of the Lord most high. Blessed be the name of the Lord in times of trouble and in times of joy. Although I am sure the hurt is unmeasureable, God's love is able to overcome. Thank you for the blessing of your testimony of great faith! God is truly using you to show His power and truth. May God bless you and carry you.
With love,
Dan and CJ
Amanda and Seth, as Whitney and I are expecting this made me think so much about our pregnancy...I am not an overly emotional man but thinking about what you have gone through has hit me hard. I started think about how things would be if it was us. We are praying for you guys and your loss but as everyone else has said she is in an awesome place sitting by God watching over you! You truly have an angel watching over you now. One day you will be re-united with her and that will be a truly joyous day for you. This past Sunday when we sang Blessed Be Your Name the whole church was rocking...words can not express it, you could just feel the love pouring out for you. I was in the soundbooth thinking about everything and Whitney said that she couldn't stopping crying for your loss. Keep in mind that the Bible says in: Ecc. 3:1-4 There is an appointed time for everything, and there is a time for every event under Heaven. A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what was planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. No one will fully understand why God has chosen this path for Mia but you must trust in Him that he has a plan for her. What a beautiful name...I am sure that she was gorgeous and she will ALWAYS be your little girl, your princess! Even though we don't know you that well, as fellow Christians we love you, and we as well as the church are here for you in any way that you need.
Brian & Whitney Vavra
Seth and Amanda,
Our family's thoughts and prayers are with you both. Having lost a child ourselves, we know it is difficult to do anything during this time and our hearts go out to you? We admire your strength, courage and love for the Lord! You will continue to be in our prayers.
Steve and Mandy Cochran
"there is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still." -Bettsie TenBoom.
I take comfort to know that Jesus cried outside of the grave of Lazarus, minutes before raising him. He shares His eternal life with us, but still lives with us in our sorrows in this temporal life.
One day, death will be thrown into the lake of fire, where it belongs, and we will mourn no more. He has promised us this.
for now, in your time to mourn, we love you.
Mike and Lorrie
I have never met anyone like you Amanda, you have such a unique spriit. If anyone can get through this I am sure it is you and Seth and I know that you will pull together to be an even stronger force as a couple. We are all praying for you here at camp Thompson and we feel so heavily for you. Much love-
Adam and Bre
I read something today in my devotional and I wanted to share it with you......
"Intimacy, when cultivated, yields an inner strength that is not shaken by trial or tragedy. As you seek to experience God, seek to know His intimate side, the part of Him that longs to experience your closeness."
My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you guys each and everyday that passes...... Please know if you need anything at all, I will be here!!!
email is shell_bell_z@yahoo.com
Love, Shell
Seth & Amanda,
It seems like yesterday to me, but nine years ago, in December, we lost our little baby girl in a very similar fashion. She'd be nine this year. I look at the little nine year olds in our church and think, "That could be my baby."
Your experience seems to mirror what happened to my wife. The announcement, the grief, the delivery, the quiet despair of conversations as husband and wife afterwards.
I'll confess that I was so bitter and so... unable to understand afterwards. I was so angry at God... mean. Without grace. No compassion for anyone.
Time weakens grief, and God eventually heals all wounds for those who trust in Christ, but I still eagerly wait for His coming, so I can meet her, tell her I love her, and that she has been missed.
If you'd like to talk to someone who knows where you are right now... we're here. Ask Pastor Mike for my contact info... we'd love to talk to you.
God is good, despite the tragedy which overtakes you and your husband, and He will prove himself good, like the sun after dark storm clouds, when this storm has passed. Trust in Him. Hold tight... don't let go.
Pastor Keith
Amanda,
I don't know if you remember me, but my name is Nancy Myer... my husband is Pastor Keith... I met you at Lorrie's house last April. I was the Pampered Chef consultant who did her party.
Pastor Mike contacted us and let us know of your loss. I am so sorry. I know the pain you feel. I too lost my first and only daughter in a very similar way. On December 18, 1998 our little Hope went to be with Jesus. I have walked this path and can promise you that the Lord will heal your hurt. Cry out to him even when you don't have words left to describe your pain. He knows and He cares.
You'll find that in time you will be reminded of your precious Mia and will be thankful for the time you were blessed to be her mother. You cared for her and nurtured her and did all you could for her. You will not forget this precious life that was entrusted to you for a time, but it won't always hurt so much. Even if you never understand why.
You will make it , just as you have written in your blog. Please allow yourself to grieve this tremendous loss. Trust that the Lord is with you and is sad with you.
As your sister in Christ my heart aches for you. I am here if you should want to talk. I know how you feel... I really know. Pastor Mike and Lorrie have my contact info, please don't hesitate to reach me if you'd like to.
I am praying for you.
In Christ,
Nancy
Did the doctors tell you why Mia died? I know God took her, but what was their medical explanation?
We don't know why she passed exactly. Physically, she was perfect. No anomalies were detected from what could be seen. We had an autopsy performed though because if it is something that could reoccur we need to know for the future so to prevent if possible. We won't know the results for several weeks or months.
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