Still breathing

Well, I guess for me, this blog is more therapeutic than anything and that's why I have chosen to use it as a means to spew out all of my emotions. Sometimes it's hard to really put words to how you are feeling though. So, it's been a few days. I can't really say how many because it has all run together like a haze. My mom and dad have been here and thank the Lord for them. They, as well as my wonderful husband, have been the support system that I have needed to keep afloat during this. Right now I feel very numb. I have done my best to avoid all contact with people I know and even avoid all phone calls too at first. It's just so hard to keep reliving that day. Tomorrow is the memorial service and I don't want to go. It is graveside and the cold wintry air will be a sick sense of the death that I have been living with. I don't want to see the people who are going to be there even though I know that they love me. My grandma, who's name is Jacqueline, will be there and I sit here tears streaming down my face thinking about her during this. I chose that name to pay tribute to her in life. I know that after tomorrow, Seth and I will be able to start putting together the pieces of our shattered plans. Still memories lurk around every corner and somehow I am going to have to learn to move past that. We went to Wal-mart and I was avoiding people like mad just because I was afraid that someone might ask me where the baby was. I know it will happen and I have to be ready for it, but it's just so hard.
I thought once the delivery was over that my body would start to heal. No one told me that the worst was yet to come. I guess since I have never had a child, I had no idea what it would feel like to have my milk come in. Two days ago I was standing in the shower looking at my engorged red breasts and saying...don't you know, there is no baby? I felt like some how the Lord should spare me that pain or that somehow my body should know that it didn't need to make milk. So, I have spent the last three days, bound up, on ice and an emotional basket case. I want them to go down so that I can stop looking at my body as a constant reminded of the loss.
Seth and I are leaning on each other more than ever. He's is strong for me although I have seen glimmers in his eyes on many occasions that have given me a glimpse into the hurt he is feeling too. We decided that we have to hold tight to one another and hold tight to the Lord or we will find ourselves bitter and angry twenty years down the road. We have all met people who have wasted their lives consumed by bitterness from something that happened in their lives that seemed unjustified. This hurts more than anything has ever hurt but we can't live in the pain forever. We have to know that we will make it.
Thank you for all your kind words and prayers. I am sorry that I can't talk to everyone right now. I will, I promise. I just feel like I need to get a handle on things first. This isn't an occasion that lends itself to alot of words anyway. If I can ask anything though, I would beg of you all to pray for Seth and I. We desperately want to have children. Please pray that the Lord would heal my body and that we, together, can move on and start a family when the Lord sees fit.