Monday, February 4, 2008
leave well enough alone
Well, I went to my follow up appointment and was not surprised to find out that they were unable to detect any reason for Mia's death. I combed through all thirty pages of her autopsy looking deperately for an answer. The nurse in me wants to understand the "why". I suppose I need to come to terms with the fact that I will never know exactly what happened to her. I feel like I am just floundering through life, plagued by grief from something I will never understand. I am not depressed, just directionless. I don't know what to do now. I have to sit back and reevaluate my plans. It's like my world has exploded and I am left to gather the fragments. The problem is, all the pieces aren't there. It's like when you try to complete a puzzle just to find out that several of the pieces have been lost. The puzzle just doesn't look right. I suppose in time life will make sense again. The Doctors say that physically I am doing well and that we are safe to try again. We are going to try again and hope that this next pregnancy is going to give us what we have longed for so long. I know that God has something good in store for Seth and I. And, I know that he will help us press on through this time. I am so thankful that we are doing well though. What has happened is devastating, but we have strong desires to go on through this. I am confident that God will give us the continued strength to move forward. The only reason that we are doing as well as we are is because the Lord has sustained us.
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2 comments:
Hi. My name is Kelly and I've been reading your blog for a couple days. This might sound odd but I think it's a good thing you don't have a reason. We lost our baby when she was 8 months 2 weeks along. She was due in 2 more weeks and her heart just stopped beating. They did an autopsy and nothing. That was 11 years ago. Looking back, it was better that I didn't have a medical answer. I probably would've just beat myself up and said I should've done this or took more of this vitamin to prevented it. But God just took her. Plain and simple. It was obvious that God's plans for her were done and he took her home. I saw HIM in all of it. No medical doctor telling me it was this or that. Just God. And now she is in His presence and dancing and singing praises and although it hurts a lot some days I know it was for His reason. Brighter days are coming. Oh, and we now have 3 children. All healthy and no more miscarriages.
Kelly, thanks you for your kind words and for the encouragement. I believe with all my heart the the Lord knows what he is doing and that he just wanted our little girl. I know He wants good things for Seth and I. I just pray that we can get pregnant again soon! You are a great encouragement to me!!!!
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