moving on

Well tomorrow I go to my OBGYN for a follow up appointment. I have very mixed feelings about it. Sitting in the waiting room will be a whole new experience for me. I won't be thumbing through new parenting magazines looking for tips or exchanging empathetic glances with other expectant mothers. No, I will be on the outside. I was thinking today about whether I would erase the last eight months of my life if I could. And, I don't know. I want to say "she" was worth it, but I don't feel like I even got the chance to get to know her. It's like she's only someone I once knew. It's crazy how you can love someone so much that you haven't even really met. I feel like I got ripped off. Part of me wants to say, why me? I am young and healthy. My husband and I have a great marriage and we are financially capable of taking care of a baby. But, I can't be caught playing that dangerous game. I just have to know that we all have an appointed time to die. God has big plans for Mia with Him. I was praying today to the Lord and I asked him to let Mia know just how much I love her. I feel sad that I never got to tell her. I wanted to tell her how much she was wanted. I will be so glad when this doesn't hurt so badly. So, statistics say that we will be able to have another baby. 98% of woman who have stillborns go on to have healthy children. Also, the odds of us finding out what happened to her are not great. 75% stillborns have no known cause and of the 25% that are known, a large percentage of them are related to cord injuries which was not the case with Mia. So, that pretty much leaves me in a position to do nothing. We just have to sit back and heal. We just have to know that we aren't in control and trust God though the pain. We will probably never know and this will probably never make sense. -