moving on

Well tomorrow I go to my OBGYN for a follow up appointment. I have very mixed feelings about it. Sitting in the waiting room will be a whole new experience for me. I won't be thumbing through new parenting magazines looking for tips or exchanging empathetic glances with other expectant mothers. No, I will be on the outside. I was thinking today about whether I would erase the last eight months of my life if I could. And, I don't know. I want to say "she" was worth it, but I don't feel like I even got the chance to get to know her. It's like she's only someone I once knew. It's crazy how you can love someone so much that you haven't even really met. I feel like I got ripped off. Part of me wants to say, why me? I am young and healthy. My husband and I have a great marriage and we are financially capable of taking care of a baby. But, I can't be caught playing that dangerous game. I just have to know that we all have an appointed time to die. God has big plans for Mia with Him. I was praying today to the Lord and I asked him to let Mia know just how much I love her. I feel sad that I never got to tell her. I wanted to tell her how much she was wanted. I will be so glad when this doesn't hurt so badly. So, statistics say that we will be able to have another baby. 98% of woman who have stillborns go on to have healthy children. Also, the odds of us finding out what happened to her are not great. 75% stillborns have no known cause and of the 25% that are known, a large percentage of them are related to cord injuries which was not the case with Mia. So, that pretty much leaves me in a position to do nothing. We just have to sit back and heal. We just have to know that we aren't in control and trust God though the pain. We will probably never know and this will probably never make sense. -

Living again

Well, today is Thursday and Saturday will be one month since I gave birth to our beautiful little girl. It seems like the girl who gave birth or was pregnant was someone else. I know it was me, but I feel like it was someone else. It's such a crazy blur. Life has moved on and the world still turns. It's really unbelievable and surreal. I don't cry everyday anymore. Yet, my heart is still broken. I expect that it will take some time to feel normal again. Seth and I are the closest that we have ever been. I think we are closer than when we got married, if that is possible. I love him more than I thought I ever could love anyone. We decided when Mia died, we wanted to do something as a couple to commemorate her and give glory to the Lord. So, we got her footprints tattooed {mine on my lower leg and Seth's on his back calf} with Job 1:21. That verse captures the very essence of what has happened. It says
"Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked shall I return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

This tattoo is something very special that Seth and I can share in Mia's memory. Otherwise, things are going okay. I go back to the Doctor next week and I am hoping that they can shed some light on the reasoning behind this. If not, that's okay too. I know that the Lord has allowed this to happen for a reason and we trust Him. This whole experience has deepened my relationship with the Lord and trust in the Lord. We continue to cling to Him because He is our rock. He is the only thing that can get you through something that hurts so much.

brighter days

As time has slowly begun to pass, my head is slightly less foggy and I have really had a chance to begin to reflect. I can't even express my gratitude to all of the people who have been there for Seth and I. I feel as though we have been carried by the prayers of all who know and care about us. I bet we received 50 cards in the mail and some were from people I don't even know. Tonight a lady from my church who I don't even know showed up at the door with food and a tear in her eye saying how sorry she was for us. At work people have been taking turns coming into my office to cry and tell me that they are horribly sorry. All of this doesn't bring my beautiful little girl back, but it helps to know that you are loved. And sometimes I think the Lord gives us people in our lives as beautiful gifts. It's almost like since the Lord can't give us a physical hug, He sends His love through other people. I know that Seth and I are going to be okay. With each new day I know it. I have come to a point where I don't question the Lord. I just know that He knows what is best and that His will is to see good things for Seth and I. And while I am convinced that I will never know or understand why this happened, I trust the Lord. I know that somehow something good will come out of this. It still hurts. I even started to cry while watching a baby on TV tonight. But, that is okay. It's going to hurt for a while. But all the while, God will be there to guide us through it.

pressing on

We went to church today and it was just a bundle of emotions. I sobbed through all of the worship and with every sigh and hug. Still though I felt the hand of the Lord through it all. Friday Seth and I went shopping and we bought a beautiful wooden chest with brass fixtures to put all we have of our little girl in. In it we put the cards we have received, the little dress she wore, her footprints and the ultrasound video. It's such a sweet way to remember her. Yesterday I went back to the gym. I know it's only been a week, but the Lord has been good and my body felt ready. Tuesday I am going to try to go back to work. I know it won't be easy and I have made it clear to my employer that if I need to leave, I will. I just can't become part of the couch. Believe me, I would like to sometimes though. I talked with a lady who had a still born. She said that she got pregnant two months after she lost her first. I pray that for Seth and I. I just want to feel life again. I keep dreaming about all of this at night. It's like my body is confused. One minute I am nurturing a little soul and the next, she's gone. I look forward to the day that I can look at all this and not hurt. Seth and I started doing devotions together at night and praying together. I am embarrassed to say that we were not faithful with this before. We both just want to be united and strong in our faith. We want this to grow our marriage and our love for the Lord and not cause division. So, one more day has passed and still we breathe on. In situations like this, just breathing is a triumph. It's already the sixth of January. Before long, this will be a distant memory in everyone's mind and I will be known as the girl who lost a baby...

Looking Upward

Well, the services are finally over and I feel an overwhelming sense of relief. Somehow, I feel like Seth and I can start trying to live again. I know my beautiful little girl is safe in the arms of Jesus. And although we don't understand why this has happened, we trust our Lord. My mom and dad just left and it was really emotional for me. They have been such a source of strength. But, Seth and I will finally have a chance to spend time together, just us, which we really need. My parents have been such an amazing support system through all of this, but the time has come for them to go home and for Seth and I to start trying to live again. I feel an overwhelming sense of peace. I am ready for the future and even though I know that there will be times that really hurt, I want to live. I still feel teary and I know the road ahead will be tough but we don't walk it alone.

Still breathing

Well, I guess for me, this blog is more therapeutic than anything and that's why I have chosen to use it as a means to spew out all of my emotions. Sometimes it's hard to really put words to how you are feeling though. So, it's been a few days. I can't really say how many because it has all run together like a haze. My mom and dad have been here and thank the Lord for them. They, as well as my wonderful husband, have been the support system that I have needed to keep afloat during this. Right now I feel very numb. I have done my best to avoid all contact with people I know and even avoid all phone calls too at first. It's just so hard to keep reliving that day. Tomorrow is the memorial service and I don't want to go. It is graveside and the cold wintry air will be a sick sense of the death that I have been living with. I don't want to see the people who are going to be there even though I know that they love me. My grandma, who's name is Jacqueline, will be there and I sit here tears streaming down my face thinking about her during this. I chose that name to pay tribute to her in life. I know that after tomorrow, Seth and I will be able to start putting together the pieces of our shattered plans. Still memories lurk around every corner and somehow I am going to have to learn to move past that. We went to Wal-mart and I was avoiding people like mad just because I was afraid that someone might ask me where the baby was. I know it will happen and I have to be ready for it, but it's just so hard.
I thought once the delivery was over that my body would start to heal. No one told me that the worst was yet to come. I guess since I have never had a child, I had no idea what it would feel like to have my milk come in. Two days ago I was standing in the shower looking at my engorged red breasts and saying...don't you know, there is no baby? I felt like some how the Lord should spare me that pain or that somehow my body should know that it didn't need to make milk. So, I have spent the last three days, bound up, on ice and an emotional basket case. I want them to go down so that I can stop looking at my body as a constant reminded of the loss.
Seth and I are leaning on each other more than ever. He's is strong for me although I have seen glimmers in his eyes on many occasions that have given me a glimpse into the hurt he is feeling too. We decided that we have to hold tight to one another and hold tight to the Lord or we will find ourselves bitter and angry twenty years down the road. We have all met people who have wasted their lives consumed by bitterness from something that happened in their lives that seemed unjustified. This hurts more than anything has ever hurt but we can't live in the pain forever. We have to know that we will make it.
Thank you for all your kind words and prayers. I am sorry that I can't talk to everyone right now. I will, I promise. I just feel like I need to get a handle on things first. This isn't an occasion that lends itself to alot of words anyway. If I can ask anything though, I would beg of you all to pray for Seth and I. We desperately want to have children. Please pray that the Lord would heal my body and that we, together, can move on and start a family when the Lord sees fit.