29 weeks

It's hard to believe that I am more pregnant than I have ever been! Yesterday I went to the doctor and had another ultrasound. The baby was kicking the probe the entire time. The doctor was really happy with the activity! He said that I can wait two weeks to come back rather than one! Woo Hoo! Little Matty is breech though. Of course, the doctor told me that we would have to do a c-section if he doesn't flip. I don't care though. As long as I get a healthy baby, I don't care how he gets here! I didn't gain any weight this time when I went. I started the pregnancy weighing 128 and now I weigh 146.8. I have gained just under twenty pounds which is good according to what I have read. The doctor asked me if I had been eating. He apparently doesn't know me! I have been eating everything in site! I just think that I have been so active that I am working it all off!

more house photos!

These photos are random and are in random order....sorry poor planning on my part. I left out a bunch of rooms because I didn't want it to get too boring! Hope you like our new place!!

House photos

House photos

Our new House

I have been so busy trying to get settled in than I have been really slow to get pictures of the new place up! Tonight I FINALLY took some pictures to give you all an idea of our new house. I didn't take pictures of all the rooms. I really have alot that I still want to change and update. We are both so very thankful and blessed to have been given the opportunity to buy this home. It's beautiful and will be a great place to raise a family!

Happy Birthday Mia

Well, it was one year ago that I delivered my darling little Mia. It's hard to believe that is has already been a year and that if she would have been breathing, I would have one year of motherhood under my belt and a one year old little girl. Instead I am at much the same place that I was last year at this time, only this year things are looking better, thank the good Lord. Little Matthew is growing well and is really active. I am 29 weeks now. I have finally decided to post a belly shot-I look huge by the way. This whole pregnancy has been so tentative for me that I have been afraid to accept that I am actually really pregnant and this might even result in a live baby. But, the Lord is sustaining me during this fearful time and I have to say my calmness has surprised even me. Tomorrow I go to the doctor again and will have another ultrasound-my fifth or sixth-can't remember. I have to go every week now. I feel like I am there all the time but I guess that's good, right? Please continue to keep Seth and I and little Matthew in your prayers!

Moving day

Well tomorrow we sign the papers and officially can move into our new home. I am beyond excited. I have never been so ready and although staying with my mom and dad these past weeks has been surprisingly not too bad, a girl needs her own space. A girl as big as me with hormones raging like mine needs her own space. ugh I also need a house with more than one bathroom so when I have to pee, I can. Last night I got up three times to pee. I weighed myself yesterday too. It's the first time I have ever weighed myself and had to lean to the left to see the number. I feel huge but my mom says I am all baby. Of course, I am sure she would never say otherwise. I have gained 20 pounds. I am shooting for under thirty total....hopefully. I went to the doctor's yesterday and had the test for gestational diabetes. It came out fine but my bloodwork came back that I am anemic. It's no wonder I have been feeling like a wet rag these past weeks. So, I am going to be on iron supplements which means more constipation...woo hoo! Otherwise things are going pretty well. I am so darm overwhelmed by everything. Right now I am 27 weeks pregnant and we lost Mia at 28 which totally scares me, we are moving and buying a new house even though we haven't sold our old house. Now, that is scary. No one wants to pay for two houses. I am just praying that after Christmas business picks up and the house generates some interest. Well, once again...like everything that has been happening, it's out of my hands. Well, all...keep praying for us. We need it. I look forward to posting pictures of our new house once we are settled!!

The new Doc

So, one of the most unpleasant things about moving is the fact that mid pregnancy I have to change doctors. This was especially hard on me because the practice I was with was there during the whole thing with Mia as well as the endometriosis and all that. Changing gynecologists is hard. I never want more people looking down there than are absolutely necessary and now I feel like I have a whole new audience. I went to see this new doctor last week and he seems nice. He was very kind and informative-although difficult to understand which I hate. He wants to see me next week and then in two more weeks. Following that I have to go to the hospital {45 min drive} once a week for an appointment and the to have a fetal non stress test at the hospital. I told the doc that I was going to bring a sleeping bag and sleep under his desk because I am going to be there so much. I guess it's good though. One of my favorite things about this new practice is that there is only one MD for me to see-so I know for sure who will deliver and that he does ultrasounds in the office which is very convenient. With Mia I had an ultrasound at 17 weeks and not again before I lost her at 28 so it was really nice to have an ultrasound at 25 weeks when I was there. It's so comforting to see that everything looks ok. Keep praying as we are quickly approaching the time where we lost Mia. I know that the Lord will see us through this.

Still trusting

Well, the offer on our house has fallen through. I cried at first because I just felt really hopeful that it would all work out, but I am trusting the Lord and knowing that He is in control and that He has brought us this far, He won't leave us now!Still hanging in there staying with mom and dad. ugh...it's been harder on me than anyone else. I am just miss independence! I keep telling myself that it's a short time! I know that this will all be worth it! God is good and he takes care of his children!

My family

Here is our most recent family picture-including Matthew's debut...right in my belly!

Stress Stress and more stress

I never thought this process was going to be easy and to be honest have dreaded it from the go, but I never anticipated the impact of a highly emotional change combined with raging pregnancy hormones. We packed up our home in Ford City and have moved all our worldly possessions into a 20x10 storage unit until we can close on our new home. Initially I thought that I would stay in our house and Seth would just work up here, meeting on the weekends but that was too much for me. My parents and Seth begged me to just stay with them until the closing of our new home and I finally conceded. No one wants to live at home. And while I love my parents, I have been living on my own for ten years. It's not reasonable to rent a place ad move twice for the four-six weeks it's going to take for us to get into our new home so really we don't have any other options. It's just hard to go from living on your own in your own home to being back in your childhood pink bedroom-if only for a few weeks. I am sure that the process is only exacerbated by my hormones which are so unbelievably out of wack. We are approaching the window of time in which we lost Mia which really scares me in combination of trying to tie up loose ends in Ford City and keep life somewhat normal while staying here. I am also trying to continue working while balancing the talks with lawyers and real estate agents to both sell our home and buy the next. Our home in Ford City has received an offer which is wonderful but the home inspection says that the home needs some work-which of course! It's a hundred years old! So, we are working on that and hoping and praying that we can come to some fair agreement that will benefit all parties. I have left my beautiful home office-newly remodeled-and have relocated to my parent's basement. ugh. I keep telling myself that it's only a few weeks and that when we are in our new home this will all be worth it. Keep my sanity it your prayers-those of you who follow this blog. I know that all things work together for our good so I am trying to lean on that.

The Lord has his hand on us.

Well, After only four days of being on the mrket, we have an official signed agreement. So pending a home inspection, our house has been sold! It's amazing! I was hoping and praying that our house would sell in three months but the Lord had different plans for us!Our expected closing date is December 18th! He is so good. He exceeds our expectations. Now we just have to pray that the house we are working on getting in Smethport goes through. No worries, right?

Life Just Got REALLY CHAOTIC!

Seth and I have been praying since I was pregnant with Mia that the Lord would open up a way for us to relocate to be near my parents. This is for several reasons. First of all, my mom and dad don't have any grandkids so we really want to share that with them and secondly because Seth had a great relationship with his grandfathergrowing up and he wants the same for our little one. But, up until now...the answer from the Lord has been no, or wait rather. I had all but given up because nothing was panning out until this past Friday when Seth was offered a new job near where they live.
So, I am pretty much really really overwhelmed. I cried for the first two days because I just really was having a hard time thinking about everything. The thought of leaving all my friends here and my church was just so much. I love this area, but on the other hand I don't feel like I am being fair to my mom and dad by living so far away.
Since we found out, things have been crazy. We have been up north looking for homes and put an offer in on one yesterday. We still don't know if it's accepted. We are also working feverishly to get our home ready to go on the market on Monday.
Please keep us in your prayers during this transition. It's really hard but I know that it's the Lord's Will. My biggest concern is timing. I really don't want to pay for two homes for any length of time. But, I have to know {and this is where Faith comes in} that the Lord led us to where we are and that he will see us through.
Thanks for all your prayers and support!!

It's a BOY!

Well, Seth and I are always at odds about finding out what we are having. We didn't know Mia was a girl and Seth was convinced that we were going to be surprised with this one as well. But, just before out appointment, he conceded and we decided to find out!

It was quite apparent that we are having a boy and we are so thankful and so excited! I am nearly halfway now and so far everything is going well.I have a doppler at home so I am able to hear the heartbeat regularly which really eases my mind. Although I have to say, I probably will not fully relax until I hear the cries of our little one.

His name is going to be Matthew Charles. Matthew is after my brother and Charles is after Seth's brother. I think it's a good strong name.

So...that's where we are! Please continue to pray for the safety of this child and for the sanity of the one carrying him!

Dogs Behaving Badly.

Seth and I are dog lovers, although I never use to be. I never got how those pet lovers were so over the top about their pets until we got dogs. Our dogs have been like children and we have been horrible parents! Our dogs behave badly! They have no manners and I am habitually embarrassed by their lack of courtesy with other people and dogs. So, we have decided to take action. We have enrolled them in obedience school. I am so happy that it feels like Christmas. Finally I am going to be able to invite guests and not have to applogize for the dogs over zealous behaviour with company. Yesterday we went to our first class and I was amazed at how well they did. They really seem to want to learn. All along, they have wanted to learn. Seth and I just didn't know how to properly instruct them! Fancy that!

12 weeks

Well, We have made it to milestone one-12 weeks. It definitely does lend some relief. I am starting to feel a little better as far as the nausea is concerned and my energy level is creeping back up too which is so nice. I am in that weird in between stage with my clothes too-which makes me nuts. My maternity clothes for the most part are too big but my regular clothes are way too tight. Hopefully within the next six weeks or so, I will be able to be fully into my maternity clothes and actually look the part! It's very exciting and yet I remain guarded. My joy and excitement is seeping through from time to time though. I actually allowed myself to look through the closet filled with all the baby things we had for Mia. It made me so excited to think that the Lord has blessed Seth and I with the opportunity to be parents again. He is so good. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we make this journey!

God is Good

Well, to be honest I really debated about telling anyone about this pregnancy. I thought I could just wear baggy clothes and let people whisper about how I had let myself go. I have just been so fearful. I didn't want to have to tell everyone that I had lost another. But I then decided that so many people hurt with us when we lost Mia. Those people should be able to rejoice with us this time. And, those same people love us and want to be able to stand with us in prayer throughout this pregnancy. And, I stand here today to tell you that I feel those prayers. I am calm and trusting. I can't be sure that everything will be okay, but I can be sure that the Lord hears the prayers of his faithful people and I know that we are being prayed for. Please continue to pray for us. We need every single prayer.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away

Well, we just finally were able to get Mia's stone placed in the cemetery. I am pleased with how it looks. It's very sombering to be 26 years old and going to the cemetary to see your child. Thankfully, we know she isn't there.

And, ironically, we have some good news, we are PREGNANT AGAIN! This has been completely crazy. Mia was due March 24th and this one is due March 23rd! It's so unbelievable. Yesterday I went and had the ultrasound sound to confirm the pregnancy and we heard the heartbeat. This meant so much because at the last ultrasound, there was no heartbeat.

How am I? I am a total wreck. I want to jump up and down and be so excited because Seth and I have deeply desired this for so long but I am so afraid that something will go wrong. I find myself humming...I've got peace like a river almost constantly to keep me sane. I keep telling myself that the Lord wants good for us and to give us hope and a future {Jeremiah 29:11}. It's just a very emotional time.

Please keep us in your prayers as we pray for a positive outcome with this pregnancy.

update oy my life

Wow, I haven't posted in a really long time. Things have been hectic to say the least. I have been traveling all over for work. I spent the last two days in Cincinnati and next week and I am in Orlando and then Richmond. I am enjoying it but it's very stressful. I have been stretched so far beyond my comfort zone that's it's unreal. I am sure that down the road, this will come easily. Until then, I press on.

As far as the rest of life, I am pressing on there too. I thought that as time went on things would be easier and easier and in some ways they are, but others aren't. Last Sunday at church I sat behind five or so young mothers-all friends of mine. My husband hadn't arrived yet so I sat alone just watching all of them with their little ones. It didn't take long before my eyes filled with tears. I sometimes think how old Mia would be now and when I see other babies her age I wonder about her. Everyone says my time will come, and I wonder if that's actually true. Initially when we had Mia, I didn't want to be pregnant again, but that has passed and i am really ready. I thought I would be pregnant again by now, but I am not. I am learning to lean on the Lord through this and to remain strong knowing that even though sometimes I feel forgotton, he hasn't forgotton me. I cling to Jeremiah 29:11 everyday.

My marriage is great. My husband is an amazing strength. He is sensitive to me when I am hurting and is very comforting. We continue to grow closer to one another and I thank the Lord for him everyday.

As far as the weight loss thing, yeah it got a little old and I have given in to the ice cream a bit. I currently weight 123 and I guess unless I crack back down on my eating habits, I am going to have to be happy with that.

Something that really ticks me off.

I only have a few minutes to write but I feel that I have something that I must get off my chest. Today I went to get gas and while I was checking out, there was a girl in front of me who was atleast six to seven months pregnant. She was buying cigarrettes. Ooohh, can I tell you how mad i was? I had half a mind to say something to her. Doesn't she understand how painful it is to lose a child? My child was stillborn and i would sooner die than face that a second time. Smoking increases the risk of low infant birth rate and still birth. I feel smoking during preganacy is completely selfish. YOu are the only protector of your child when that baby is inside you. How can people be so self absorbed? I didn't even breathe second hand smoke when I was preganat and still Mia died. Why would you want to do something that would increase the odds of something horrible happening? Does anyone else feel this way?

weigh in day

Well, I WEIGHED IN TODAY AT 123.6 That isn't too bad. I am getting there, slowly, but I am getting there. This weekend my mom and I went shopping and I got some new pants. I am now in a solid size four! Now, that's pretty exciting. That means I have dropped two pants sizes!!!! 115 is sounding achievable now isn't it? So, I have lost just a hair under 10 pounds since the beginning of April. I'll take it!

Bikini here I come!

So, we have been doing our weight loss challenge for one month and I am down 8 pounds! Now, to many, that may not seem like an amount to cheer about, but in the past my weight loss strategies have been unhealthy. I am finally doing it the healthy way. I have banned all junk food and have been working out consistantly five days a week. Seth is also doing well. He has lost thirteen pounds. So, at 125lbs, that means that I am only ten pounds from my goal! I lost two inches this month around my waist and a half an inch from my arms. Good things! I am so excited! All of the pants I bought for my new job no longer fit me. Once I get to my goal, I am buying a bikini...I am I am I am. I have never had a real bikini. I always buy the shorts or something to allow for maximum coverage, but when I hit my goal...watch out because I am buying one. I am going to Florida in June for work. I will buy a bikini for that trip! WOO HOO!

An Irish Incentive

So, Seth and I have decided that we both really want to lose weight. And, we also decided that we need an incentive to help us to have the desire to strive towards that goal. Losing weight is hard and it takes a long time. It's not something that you can do for a day or two and be done. It's something that you really have to stick with. So, we came up with an incentive plan. First of all, three weeks ago today, we weighed in and took measurements of all areas. We made an excel spreadsheet {how dorky} with all of our stats on it. Each week we weigh in and after one month we are going to remeasure each other. I weigh in for the third time tonight. So far, I have lost almost five pounds. So, to make things interesting we added some incentives. We decided that we wanted to achieve these goals together so we are not competing against one another. We are encouraging one another. The plan is to reach our weight goals within three months. So, we divided our three month goal into a third and if we achieve that, we each get $100. And, here is the exciting thing...if we are able to reach our goals within the time frame set, we are going to go to Ireland this November. I am really excited about this! I hope I did well this week! It makes me nervous. When I started, according to the scale at the gym, I weighed 133LBS. Last week, I weighed 128.8 LBS. It seems that every scale is different, so we are weighing consistently on the same one. I have to end this entry because I am getting ready to go meet my hubby at the gym for my weigh in! I will keep you updated on the progress!

LOVIN' IT!

So, I just completed week two of the new job and I LOVE IT! I am so thankful to the Lord for this blessing and opportunity to expand. Don't get me wrong, it's not entirely easy and I have been living miles from my comfort zone but, it's so refreshing. I love this new challenge and my goal is to exceed everyone's expectations. They have been excellent with me and so patient. I have been asking an unbelievable amount of questions. I just want to be sure that I am doing everything correctly. So, life is good and God is Good. Everything happens as a part of His plan for the good of those who love Him.

Time off Rocks!

Well it's Thursday and I have had the entire week off. Talk about much needed time! I have gotton a ton done at home and have been able to spend a ton of time at the gym which is fabulous. Things are starting to feel normal again. I still get sad from time to time, but overall things are going so well. I am so so so psyched to start this new job. I have to admit I am maybe a tad bit nervous {don't tell anyone...}. I can't wait until Monday. God is so good and I feel like my life is coming alive again just like the seasons changing. I hear the birds chirping outside and I feel it in my soul.

What's new with me

Well, I have been wanting to make a nice long entry about how things have been going but my lousy computer has had a bunch of nasty viruses making getting online very slow and difficult. Seth and I got an updated virus protector and now I am virus free and free to blog again! AMEN! So, things are going really well. I can now say without reservation that I am finally happy again. I don't cry everyday or even that often anymore. Mia's due date is coming up and I am so excited to have that day come and go. Finally I will be able to completely move on instead of thinking, I would be 38 weeks right now or I would have quit my job by now and on and on and on. Soon the other girls who I was pregnant with will have their babies and I won't have to feel awkward around them because we no longer share something so special. I am actually good with everything though. I really thought this would destroy me, but God is so much bigger than anything that life can throw at you. This new job opportunity came as a total shock. I wasn't looking to leave my current job but the new opportunity just excites me beyond what I can even express. I wish I was starting tomorrow in a way. It's like I am sad that I have a week off. It's good though because I will get the chance to get alot done around the house that I haven't been able to get done lately. Physically I am feeling so good. I weighed myself on Friday and I weighed in at 130.2 lbs. I weighed 129 when I got pregnant. So, I am only a hair off of the pre-pregnancy weight. I have completely changed my eating habits and you can't even believe the difference in how I feel. I guess there is something to that old adage "garbage in garbage out." I am going to bust my butt at the gym this week because I will have the time to do it. I fully expect to get to my goal weight by the time my family goes on vacation in May {you know, the whole bathing suit thing and extra rolls of skin don't exactly coincide}. So, surprisingly I am not in a rush to get pregnant again. I definitely want to have children, but it will comes when the Lord wants it to. We aren't preventing or trying. Last time we "tried" for a year before I got pregnant with Mia. I am not about to start calculating my ovulation and recording my temperature. Oh no...that can consume you before you even know it. I just want to throw myself into this new job and completely blow my new employer's expectations. I always seem to want to be the best at everything I do and this is no exception. You can thank my dad for that. So, yeah...we are doing well. Our marriage is strong and God is good.

Wow, changes are happening. I was offered a new job and after much much thought and prayer, I have decided to change careers. So, after more than four years at my current job, I resigned. That was a crazy gamut of emotions. It's hard to change, but when an awesome opportunity presents itself, you have to think with your head and do what is best for you and your family. So, I am leaving the scrubs behind for the suits and heels. I am so unbelievably excited to take on this new challenge. I have this coming week off and then next week I start the new job!

Weekend Fun

Well We just got back from spending the weekend at Stonewall Resort in West Virginia.We had a great time. I got a lovely massage and we went to a Murder Mystery Dinner. It was so neat. This was the first time that Seth and I had ever been to something like this. Here is how it works. You are in this huge ballroom seated at tables of ten {we only knew each other}. The cast performs a play while you eat dinner. During the play, someone gets murdered and it's up to the audience to figure out who did it, how they did it and what their motive was. After the play, each table chose a chief investigator who was allowed to search the crime scene. Seth had this job and you can see him looking through everything in the pictures. We all them were told to formulate one question for one of the suspects. Finally we were all moved to another room for a dessert reception where we found out who did it! It was so much fun. It was awesome to get away to spend time together. Time away really strengthens a marriage!

2008 is going to be great!

Wow. God is awesome. His hand is in all aspects of life. Yesterday Seth and I were at the mall and I ran into Jill, my midwife, who has just been an amazing support throughout everything. Seth and I had considered not going back to Armstrong Hospital after everything happened with Mia because of a number of things that didn't go well. One of the biggest problems we had was that Husbands have not been allowed to go back into the room with their wives initially during an ultrasound. This was horrific for us because I found out the Mia had died alone without my greatest support, Seth. We both feel that a husband should be involved in all aspects of a pregnancy and an ultrasound should be no different. I spoke at length to a couple of people about this. Jill has been struggling with this policy and the cooperation of the radiology dept. for quite some time. And it turns out, after my ordeal, that they are going to change the policy so husbands/significant others can be present during ultrasounds. I can't tell you what a victory this is. I can't imagine someone else having to go through the same thing I did.
So, Seth and I are going away this coming weekend and I am so excited. We are going to a resort in West Virginia. And, I am getting a massage baby! I can't wait. We are going to have the greatest time. It will be wonderful to get away and just enjoy one another. I might get a pedicure too. Who even knows?
I have decided that this year is going to be great. I feel like God is working awesome things for Seth and I and that we are going to be blessed for remaining faithful to Him during a very difficult time. We are blessed to have the Lord and He gives us so much more than we deserve.
So, I say this...smile, laugh and embrace life because God gives us a life of abundance in Him!

leave well enough alone

Well, I went to my follow up appointment and was not surprised to find out that they were unable to detect any reason for Mia's death. I combed through all thirty pages of her autopsy looking deperately for an answer. The nurse in me wants to understand the "why". I suppose I need to come to terms with the fact that I will never know exactly what happened to her. I feel like I am just floundering through life, plagued by grief from something I will never understand. I am not depressed, just directionless. I don't know what to do now. I have to sit back and reevaluate my plans. It's like my world has exploded and I am left to gather the fragments. The problem is, all the pieces aren't there. It's like when you try to complete a puzzle just to find out that several of the pieces have been lost. The puzzle just doesn't look right. I suppose in time life will make sense again. The Doctors say that physically I am doing well and that we are safe to try again. We are going to try again and hope that this next pregnancy is going to give us what we have longed for so long. I know that God has something good in store for Seth and I. And, I know that he will help us press on through this time. I am so thankful that we are doing well though. What has happened is devastating, but we have strong desires to go on through this. I am confident that God will give us the continued strength to move forward. The only reason that we are doing as well as we are is because the Lord has sustained us.

moving on

Well tomorrow I go to my OBGYN for a follow up appointment. I have very mixed feelings about it. Sitting in the waiting room will be a whole new experience for me. I won't be thumbing through new parenting magazines looking for tips or exchanging empathetic glances with other expectant mothers. No, I will be on the outside. I was thinking today about whether I would erase the last eight months of my life if I could. And, I don't know. I want to say "she" was worth it, but I don't feel like I even got the chance to get to know her. It's like she's only someone I once knew. It's crazy how you can love someone so much that you haven't even really met. I feel like I got ripped off. Part of me wants to say, why me? I am young and healthy. My husband and I have a great marriage and we are financially capable of taking care of a baby. But, I can't be caught playing that dangerous game. I just have to know that we all have an appointed time to die. God has big plans for Mia with Him. I was praying today to the Lord and I asked him to let Mia know just how much I love her. I feel sad that I never got to tell her. I wanted to tell her how much she was wanted. I will be so glad when this doesn't hurt so badly. So, statistics say that we will be able to have another baby. 98% of woman who have stillborns go on to have healthy children. Also, the odds of us finding out what happened to her are not great. 75% stillborns have no known cause and of the 25% that are known, a large percentage of them are related to cord injuries which was not the case with Mia. So, that pretty much leaves me in a position to do nothing. We just have to sit back and heal. We just have to know that we aren't in control and trust God though the pain. We will probably never know and this will probably never make sense. -

Living again

Well, today is Thursday and Saturday will be one month since I gave birth to our beautiful little girl. It seems like the girl who gave birth or was pregnant was someone else. I know it was me, but I feel like it was someone else. It's such a crazy blur. Life has moved on and the world still turns. It's really unbelievable and surreal. I don't cry everyday anymore. Yet, my heart is still broken. I expect that it will take some time to feel normal again. Seth and I are the closest that we have ever been. I think we are closer than when we got married, if that is possible. I love him more than I thought I ever could love anyone. We decided when Mia died, we wanted to do something as a couple to commemorate her and give glory to the Lord. So, we got her footprints tattooed {mine on my lower leg and Seth's on his back calf} with Job 1:21. That verse captures the very essence of what has happened. It says
"Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked shall I return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

This tattoo is something very special that Seth and I can share in Mia's memory. Otherwise, things are going okay. I go back to the Doctor next week and I am hoping that they can shed some light on the reasoning behind this. If not, that's okay too. I know that the Lord has allowed this to happen for a reason and we trust Him. This whole experience has deepened my relationship with the Lord and trust in the Lord. We continue to cling to Him because He is our rock. He is the only thing that can get you through something that hurts so much.

brighter days

As time has slowly begun to pass, my head is slightly less foggy and I have really had a chance to begin to reflect. I can't even express my gratitude to all of the people who have been there for Seth and I. I feel as though we have been carried by the prayers of all who know and care about us. I bet we received 50 cards in the mail and some were from people I don't even know. Tonight a lady from my church who I don't even know showed up at the door with food and a tear in her eye saying how sorry she was for us. At work people have been taking turns coming into my office to cry and tell me that they are horribly sorry. All of this doesn't bring my beautiful little girl back, but it helps to know that you are loved. And sometimes I think the Lord gives us people in our lives as beautiful gifts. It's almost like since the Lord can't give us a physical hug, He sends His love through other people. I know that Seth and I are going to be okay. With each new day I know it. I have come to a point where I don't question the Lord. I just know that He knows what is best and that His will is to see good things for Seth and I. And while I am convinced that I will never know or understand why this happened, I trust the Lord. I know that somehow something good will come out of this. It still hurts. I even started to cry while watching a baby on TV tonight. But, that is okay. It's going to hurt for a while. But all the while, God will be there to guide us through it.

pressing on

We went to church today and it was just a bundle of emotions. I sobbed through all of the worship and with every sigh and hug. Still though I felt the hand of the Lord through it all. Friday Seth and I went shopping and we bought a beautiful wooden chest with brass fixtures to put all we have of our little girl in. In it we put the cards we have received, the little dress she wore, her footprints and the ultrasound video. It's such a sweet way to remember her. Yesterday I went back to the gym. I know it's only been a week, but the Lord has been good and my body felt ready. Tuesday I am going to try to go back to work. I know it won't be easy and I have made it clear to my employer that if I need to leave, I will. I just can't become part of the couch. Believe me, I would like to sometimes though. I talked with a lady who had a still born. She said that she got pregnant two months after she lost her first. I pray that for Seth and I. I just want to feel life again. I keep dreaming about all of this at night. It's like my body is confused. One minute I am nurturing a little soul and the next, she's gone. I look forward to the day that I can look at all this and not hurt. Seth and I started doing devotions together at night and praying together. I am embarrassed to say that we were not faithful with this before. We both just want to be united and strong in our faith. We want this to grow our marriage and our love for the Lord and not cause division. So, one more day has passed and still we breathe on. In situations like this, just breathing is a triumph. It's already the sixth of January. Before long, this will be a distant memory in everyone's mind and I will be known as the girl who lost a baby...

Looking Upward

Well, the services are finally over and I feel an overwhelming sense of relief. Somehow, I feel like Seth and I can start trying to live again. I know my beautiful little girl is safe in the arms of Jesus. And although we don't understand why this has happened, we trust our Lord. My mom and dad just left and it was really emotional for me. They have been such a source of strength. But, Seth and I will finally have a chance to spend time together, just us, which we really need. My parents have been such an amazing support system through all of this, but the time has come for them to go home and for Seth and I to start trying to live again. I feel an overwhelming sense of peace. I am ready for the future and even though I know that there will be times that really hurt, I want to live. I still feel teary and I know the road ahead will be tough but we don't walk it alone.

Still breathing

Well, I guess for me, this blog is more therapeutic than anything and that's why I have chosen to use it as a means to spew out all of my emotions. Sometimes it's hard to really put words to how you are feeling though. So, it's been a few days. I can't really say how many because it has all run together like a haze. My mom and dad have been here and thank the Lord for them. They, as well as my wonderful husband, have been the support system that I have needed to keep afloat during this. Right now I feel very numb. I have done my best to avoid all contact with people I know and even avoid all phone calls too at first. It's just so hard to keep reliving that day. Tomorrow is the memorial service and I don't want to go. It is graveside and the cold wintry air will be a sick sense of the death that I have been living with. I don't want to see the people who are going to be there even though I know that they love me. My grandma, who's name is Jacqueline, will be there and I sit here tears streaming down my face thinking about her during this. I chose that name to pay tribute to her in life. I know that after tomorrow, Seth and I will be able to start putting together the pieces of our shattered plans. Still memories lurk around every corner and somehow I am going to have to learn to move past that. We went to Wal-mart and I was avoiding people like mad just because I was afraid that someone might ask me where the baby was. I know it will happen and I have to be ready for it, but it's just so hard.
I thought once the delivery was over that my body would start to heal. No one told me that the worst was yet to come. I guess since I have never had a child, I had no idea what it would feel like to have my milk come in. Two days ago I was standing in the shower looking at my engorged red breasts and saying...don't you know, there is no baby? I felt like some how the Lord should spare me that pain or that somehow my body should know that it didn't need to make milk. So, I have spent the last three days, bound up, on ice and an emotional basket case. I want them to go down so that I can stop looking at my body as a constant reminded of the loss.
Seth and I are leaning on each other more than ever. He's is strong for me although I have seen glimmers in his eyes on many occasions that have given me a glimpse into the hurt he is feeling too. We decided that we have to hold tight to one another and hold tight to the Lord or we will find ourselves bitter and angry twenty years down the road. We have all met people who have wasted their lives consumed by bitterness from something that happened in their lives that seemed unjustified. This hurts more than anything has ever hurt but we can't live in the pain forever. We have to know that we will make it.
Thank you for all your kind words and prayers. I am sorry that I can't talk to everyone right now. I will, I promise. I just feel like I need to get a handle on things first. This isn't an occasion that lends itself to alot of words anyway. If I can ask anything though, I would beg of you all to pray for Seth and I. We desperately want to have children. Please pray that the Lord would heal my body and that we, together, can move on and start a family when the Lord sees fit.